My Soul, He Hath Purged
On behalf of my sisters
8/22/13
8/22/13
Dear Father,
You send Your Word, and heal us, and deliver us from our destructions (Ps
107:20). You are God and there is no god with you: You kill, and You make
alive; You wound, and You heal: neither is there any that can deliver out of
Your hand (Deut 32:39). Please use this writing as healing balm for Your
daughters who are wounded in heart, yes, because of their own unfaithfulness. Draw
us, we will run after Thee: You, our King, hath brought us into Your chambers:
we will be glad and rejoice in Thee, we will remember Thy love more than wine:
the upright love Thee (SoS 1:4). May we run in the way of Thy commandments,
when Thou shalt enlarge our hearts (Ps 119:32).
In Jesus Christ’s Name,
Amen
Dear Beloved,
The task set before me is to testify to
your souls, dear sisters, of the purging and healing power of my God towards
your wounded heart. Perhaps it may also please Him to encourage my brothers
through His Scriptures in what follows. My desire now is to meet your soul at
its lowest place with the Words of my Lord. I do not look upon you from above,
but rather from below, from the place of the deepest hurt known unto a woman,
where the streams of cleansing water and blood effectively work to save and to
restore. Though I have not resided in this place, I believe that Lord God has given me the tongue of the learned, through foretastes and by His grace, that I should know how to speak a word in such a season to her that is weary (Is 50:4). And thus, I seek the Spirit to pour out all the comfort that I have
received from Him and His Word in the greatest measure that I may such that
however deep your wound may be, you will find His grace in your wilderness. Oh, may He give you a heart to turn to Him!
For the spirit of a man will sustain his
infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear (Prov 18:14)? Oh, He can heal you if He is willing! He healeth the broken in
heart, and bindeth up their wounds (Ps 147:3). He executes judgment for the
oppressed, giveth food to the hungry, looseth the prisoners, openeth the eyes
of the blind, raiseth them that are bowed down: the Lord loveth the righteous:
the Lord preserveth the strangers, relieveth the fatherless and widow: but the
way of the wicked He turneth upside down. (Ps 146:7-9)
His healing towards us was not without His
infinite expense! Christ was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised
for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His
stripes we are healed (Is 53:5). Come, and let us return unto the Lord: for He
hath torn, and He will heal us; He hath smitten, and He will bind us up (Hos
6:1). Moreover the light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the
light of the sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days, in the day
that the Lord bindeth up the breach of His people, and healeth the stroke of
their wound (Is 30:26). He will heal our backsliding. He will love us freely:
for His anger is turned away from His people. (Hos 14:4)
Dear sisters, I am compelled to relate to
you a weakness that has persisted in various measures within me throughout all
these past ~ 10 years. In the recent weeks, the Lord has been so thoroughly
purging me of all remnants of this lingering stronghold and has made exceedingly
clear to me the nature of this weakness that I may describe it unto you. He
that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh
them shall have mercy (Prov 28:13). I
thoroughly hate my sin now, and desire to hate it with even greater intensity.
If I be the only woman who has suffered this weakness, then may I appear
foolish and peculiar before you. But I believe that many of my beloved sisters
face spiritual sicknesses, and though your sickness may differ from the one I
faced, the healing balm is the same. Yes, Christ, the healing balm, is what
each of us has always needed. I believe that this weakness relates to the curse
given to the woman in Gen 3:16, “Thy
desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee”. In
earlier years I would have characterized the weakness as a simple but strong
longing within my heart to be married or to be loved, not by a woman companion
or motherly figure, but by a man. Over the years, the Spirit constantly
reminded me that the love of Christ is unconditional, deep, and satisfying, but
the love of man is conditional, weak, and even draining. And thus, I was
protected in large part from the sins of the heart and flesh which may
accompany such a longing. And yet, in several ways, I have been open and
vulnerable to demonic attack in areas that I am only recently coming to
understand. For my weakness was not simply that I wanted to be married or loved
by a man. I longed to be overwhelmed with
the spirituality of the manhood of a man and to be overwhelmed by the man’s
intense desire for…me. Not all of this longing is inordinate, for the man
is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for
the woman; but the woman for the man. (1 Cor 11:8-9) And yet so easily does sin
entangle us for there is a deceitfulness of sin that hardens the hearts of most
such that ordinate desires are degenerated. The heart is deceitful above all
things, and desperately wicked. Who can know it? (Jer 17:9)
It was not simply any man that I longed
for. It was a very particular type of man. It was a man leader: a man who knew
exactly what he was doing, where he was going, why he existed, what his purpose
was, and had exactly what he needed to fulfill his purpose except for one
thing, and that one thing was me. His countenance was manly and humble. His eyes were
steadfast. His form and build was wrought with the purest confidence, stature,
and manliness. He contained no hesitancy, no hypocrisy, and no fear of other
men. His purpose was noble, and the one thing he lacked was me. And thus, his
intense desire was for me and was revealed in his eyes when they met mine. In
addition to desire, he had a zealous admiration for me as though I were perfect
in beauty, nature, and behavior. In addition to admiration he has, yes,
unconditional sacrificial passionate love for me. And my sole purpose was to follow
and worship this man and sit down under his shadow with great delight, with his
fruit sweet to my taste. For as the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so
is my beloved among the sons. (SoS 2:3)
Dear sister, if you have the Spirit of
the Lord within you, perhaps you are already very concerned about the state of
my soul while I had a longing for such a man, and rightly so. For such a
longing emanates with the worship of this man and, ultimately, the worship of
self. Such horrid pride and deception was
to be found in such a desire. And the sin of my heart over these years has
been to become emotionally attached to various degrees to real men of various kinds, usually
either emotional men who “needed me” or strong Godly men who showed affection
towards me, recreating them and glorifying them in my mind and heart to the
perfect man, and dreaming on occasion of such imaginations in my heart. I was
actually emotionally attached to men who did not exist. I was idolizing
imaginary men who were glorified versions of real men. It was all so subtle to observers. You could hardly have detected my idolatry by watching me, and though I remained a virgin who had never dated a man, my heart was naked before Him. This idolatry occurred
after I was regenerated. God could have
destroyed me. He had every right to destroy me on hundreds of occasions for I
had defiled the temple of the Lord. And yet, in His infinite mercy, I stand
before you today, sisters, in Christ, hidden in Him. By His grace, I resolve to never idolatrously defer in my heart to another man apart from the husband He may bring.
God said through His prophet that His
people had committed two evils; they had forsaken Him the fountain of living
water, and hewed out cisterns, broken cisterns, that can hold no water (Jer
2:13). My idol was a broken cistern that
could hold no water, and not only so, but it was damning. My weakness could have damned me if He had
not rescued me. Remember the younger widows who began to wax wanton against
Christ, and married; having damnation, because they had cast off their first
faith (1 Tim 5:11-12). It was not simply damning for any widow to remarry. It
was damning for these widows to wax wanton against Christ, to cast off their
first faith, and, as a result, to remarry. I am certain that the root of their
wickedness was similar to my weakness in some measure. For we cannot serve two
masters. We cannot. We will serve
Christ or we will serve the idol(s) of the heart. My weakness was damning for
another reason: Christ proclaimed “Woe
unto the world because of offences! For it must needs be that offences come;
but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!” (Matt 18:7) Though the
feminine nature of my weakness was emotional and spiritual, the Lord alone
knows how many men I had caused to stumble in their hearts in other ways.
There were several times when such
idolatrous hopes deferred made my heart sick and wounded. For thus saith the
Lord; “Cursed be the man that trusteth
in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the Lord. For
he shall be like the heath in the desert, and shall not see when good cometh;
but shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness, in a salt land and not
inhabited.” (Jer 17:5-6) He visited me in the days of my idolatry, when
I went after my lovers, and forgot Him. And there God allured me, having
brought me into the wilderness, and spoke comfortably unto me. (Hos 2:13- 14) I
had not been destroyed, but found grace in the wilderness; when He caused me to
rest (Jer 31:2). Even so would He have removed me out of the strait (jaws of
distress) into a broad place, where there is no straitness; and that which
should be set on my table should be full of fatness (Job 36:16). He would say, “Come, every one that thirsteth, come ye to
the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, but, and eat; yea, come, buy
wine and milk without money and without price. Wherefore do ye spend money for
that which is not bread? And your labor for that which satisfieth not? Hearken
diligently unto Me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight
itself in fatness. Incline your ear, and come unto Me: hear, and your soul
shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure
mercies of David” (Is 55:1-3). The Lord had appeared of old unto me,
saying, “Yea, I have loved thee with
an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee. Again I
will build thee, and thou shalt be built, O virgin of Israel: thou shalt again
be adorned with thy tabrets, and shalt go forth in the dances of them that make
merry.” (Jer 31:3-4)
It was not simply that I needed Christ for
my own healing of what I perceived to be my grievous wound and the granting of
the pleasures of knowing Him here in this world. My failure to know Him in the way that caused me to depart from
iniquity revealed a lovelessness towards Him, a damning lovelessness if I did
not repent. I was to serve the Lord with fear, and rejoice with trembling.
I was commanded to kiss the Son, lest He be angry, and I perish from the way,
when His wrath is kindled but a little. Blessed are all they that put their
trust in Him. (Ps 2:11-12) Yet though I resided in the desert because of my own
unfaithfulness, my own spiritual adultery to Christ, the Lord saw none but me
and said unto me, “Woman, where are
those thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee?” “No man, Lord”. And Jesus said unto me, “Neither do I condemn thee: GO, AND SIN NO
MORE”. (John 8:10-11)
It was not simply that I needed to replace
my idolatrous affection with affection for Christ, as though these were
competing sources of sustenance. There is
only one source of true water. The idols were only broken cisterns with no
water. There is only one source of living water. But whosoever drinketh of the
water that Christ shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that He
gives shall be in him a well of water springing up unto everlasting life (John
4:14). In the last day, that great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried,
saying, “If any man thirst, let him
come unto Me, and drink. He that believeth on Me, as the Scripture hath said,
out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water. (But this spake He of the
Spirit, which they that believe on Him should receive: for the Holy Ghost was
not yet given; because that Jesus was not yet glorified.)” (John
7:37-39) Oh, sister! Blessed is the
man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is. For he shall be as a
tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and
shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be
careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit. (Jer
17:7-8)
Beloved, now I shall proceed with the crux
of my message to you. I shall speak to you about the glory of our Christ, that
your heart and soul may cling to Him, love Him, and worship Him to the utmost…that
every other inordinate affection will seem detestable and vile, as dross,
compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus our Lord, for
whose sake we can and must give up all things to follow.
To the Glory of the Lord Jesus Christ:
He is the image of the invisible God, the Firstborn of every
creature: for by Him were all
things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and
invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers:
all things were created by Him and for Him: and He is before all things, and by Him all things consist. And He is the head of the body, the
church: who is the beginning,
the Firstborn from the dead: that in all things He might have
the preeminence. For it pleased the Father that in Him should all fullness dwell. (Col 1:15-19) The Son
of Man, clothed with a
garment down to the foot, and girt about the paps with a golden girdle. His head and hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and His eyes were as a flame of fire; and His feet like unto fine brass, as if they burned in a furnace;
and His voice as the sound
of many waters. And He had in His right hand seven stars: and out of His mouth went a sharp two
edged sword: and His countenance was as the sun
shineth in his strength. When we see Him, we
would fall at His feet as dead. And He lays His right hand upon us, saying unto
us, “Fear not; I am the first and the
last: I am He that liveth, and was dead;
and behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of
death.” (Rev 1:13-18) He is fairer than the children of men: grace is poured into
His lips: therefore God has blessed Him forever. He girds His sword upon His
thigh, the mightiest One, with His glory and majesty. In His majesty He rides prosperously
because of truth and meekness and righteousness; and His right hand teaches
terrible things. His arrows are sharp in
the heart of the king’s enemies; whereby the people fall under Him. His Throne is forever and ever: the scepter of His kingdom is a
right scepter. He lovest
righteousness, and hatest wickedness: therefore God, His God, hath anointed Him with the oil of gladness
above His fellows. All His garments smell of myrrh, and aloes, and cassia, out
of the ivory palaces, whereby they have made Him glad. Kings’ daughters were
among the honorable women: upon His right hand did stand the queen in gold of
Ophir. (Ps 45:2-9) The Father’s power to us-ward who believe is of exceeding
greatness, according to the working of His mighty power, which He wrought in
Christ, when He raised Him from the dead, and set Him at His own right hand in the heavenly places, far above all principality, and
power, and might, and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this
world, but also in that which is to come: and hath put all things under His feet, and
gave Him to be the head over all things to the church, which is His body, the fullness
of Him that filleth all in all.
(Eph 1:19-23) When He ascended up on high, He led captivity captive, and gave
gifts unto men (Eph 4:8).
Follow
Him sisters! You will never be forsaken. No one who hopes in Him will ever be
disappointed. Behold, the Lord God will come with strong hand, and His
arm shall rule for Him: behold His reward is with Him, and His work before
Him. He shall feed His flock like a Shepherd: He shall gather the
lambs with His arms, and carry them in His bosom, and shall gently
lead those that are with young. (Is 40:10-11) He draws them with cords
of a man, with bands of love: and He is to them as they that take off
the yoke on their jaws, and He lays meat unto them (Hos 11:4). He is the
Shepherd of the sheep who entereth in by the door. To Him the porter openeth;
and the sheep hear His voice: and He calleth His own sheep by Name, and
leadeth them out. And when He putteth forth His own sheep, He goeth
before them, and the sheep follow Him: for they know His voice. (John
10:2-4). They need not fear their adversaries, for He, the Lord their God
shall fight for them (Deut 3:22).
Oh
dear sisters, the Lord tells us not to put our trust in princes, nor in the son
of man, in whom there is no help. His breath goeth forth, he returneth to
his earth; in that very day his thoughts perish. Happy is he that hath the God
of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God: which made heaven,
and earth, the sea, and all that therein is: which keepeth Truth forever. (Ps
146:3-6) God delighteth not in the strength of the horse: he taketh not pleasure
in the legs of a man. The Lord taketh pleasure in them that fear Him, in those
that hope in His mercy. (Ps 147:10-11) Because His lovingkindness is better than
life, may our lips praise Him (Ps 63:3). Oh,
to understand that His lovingkindness is better than life…to truly taste Him! We
will faint, unless we believe to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of
the living. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen
thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord. (Ps 27:13-14)
Beloved,
have you been forsaken? Has your
situation cast you into a place of aloneness and disgrace? Even when your
father and mother forsake you, then the Lord will take you up (Ps 27:10).
Neither let the son of the stranger, that hath joined himself to the Lord,
speak, saying, “The Lord hath utterly
separated me from his people”. Neither let the eunuch say, “Behold, I am a dry tree”. For thus
saith the Lord unto the euchuchs that keep His Sabbath, the finished work of
Christ, and choose the things that please Him, and take hold of His covenant; “Even unto them I will give in My house and within
My walls a place and a name better than of sons and daughters: I will give them
an everlasting name that shall not be cut off.” (Is 56:3-5)
Thus saith the Lord, your Redeemer, the
Holy One of Israel, “I am the Lord thy
God which teacheth thee to profit, which leadeth thee by the way that thou
shoudest go. O that thou hadst hearkened to My commandments! Then had thy peace
been as a river, and thy righteousness as the waves of the sea”. (Is
48:17-18) Hearken, O daughter, and consider, and incline thine ear; forget also
thine own people, and thy father’s house; so shall the king greatly desire thy
beauty, the righteousness of Christ granted to you. For He is thy Lord; and
worship thou Him. (Ps 45:10-11) For the Lord taketh pleasure in His people: He
will beautify the meek with salvation (Ps 149:4).
27 And then
shall they see the Son of man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. 28 And when these things
begin to come to pass, then look up, and lift up your heads; for your
redemption draweth nigh. Luke 21
After you have been purged by Him of your
idolatry and your love and worship are towards Christ, your Lord, commit to Him
the lingering pain, the lingering need, the lingering desire for marriage and
companionship. And may your soul wait only upon God; may all your expectation
be from Him (Ps 62:5). May not these needs attain to the state of those cares
of this world, the deceitfulness of riches, and the lusts of other things which enter in and choke the implanted Word
so that it becomes unfruitful (Mark 4:19). Remember that the Spirit also
helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought:
but the Spirit Himself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be
uttered. And He that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the
Spirit, because He maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of
God. (Rom 8:26-27) Therefore take no
thoughts of worry over these needs. For after these things do the Gentiles
seek. Your heavenly Father knoweth that you have need of all these things. But
seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things
shall be added unto you. (Matt 6:31-33)
6 Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to
loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the
oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke? 7 Is it not to deal thy bread to the hungry, and that
thou bring the poor that are cast out to thy house? when thou seest the naked,
that thou cover him; and that thou hide not thyself from thine own flesh? 8 Then shall thy light
break forth as the morning, and thine health shall spring forth speedily: and
thy righteousness shall go before thee; the glory of the Lord shall be thy reward. 9 Then shalt thou call, and
the Lord shall answer;
thou shalt cry, and He shall say, Here I am. If thou take away from the midst
of thee the yoke, the putting forth of the finger, and speaking vanity; 10 And if thou draw out thy
soul to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted soul; then shall thy light rise
in obscurity, and thy darkness be as the noon day: 11 And the Lord shall
guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy
bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water,
whose waters fail not. 12 And
they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise
up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, The repairer
of the breach, The restorer of paths to dwell in. 13 If thou turn away thy foot from the sabbath, from
doing thy pleasure on My holy day; and call the sabbath a delight, the holy of
the Lord, honourable; and shalt
honour Him, not doing thine own ways, nor finding thine own pleasure, nor
speaking thine own words: 14 Then
shalt thou delight thyself in the Lord;
and I will cause thee to ride upon the high places of the earth, and feed thee
with the heritage of Jacob thy father: for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken it. Is 58
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